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I Survived ABUSE (Cioxcia's Story)

Biracial girl from East Cleveland, Ohio. May 21st 1988 I was born to Jackie and Derek Cayson, the two neighborhood addicts. They ended up getting married June 1988 but that didn't mean much to me...

I’ll never forget the day my dad left. He was the functional addict and my mother wasn't. Mom was the hood prostitute. She got pregnant 6 more times from three different guys while married. ALL she wanted in life was the high. My mother was abusive: Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Physically and Sexually. I can remember as a child she held my head under water until I passed out. She had numerous sex partners who would do it to her with the door open so we'd see all the details that we weren't supposed to know at that age. At the time it was my two sisters, Brittani, Ashlie and me. She ended up with all types of guys and sometimes the people she had watching us were trying to choose one of my sisters. I could remember times where I would front line myself so I wouldn't have to watch my sisters go through with the abuse. Sexually, Physically I took it for the team.

My grandmothers called the county on my mother several times and finally we were taken away. I was still with my sisters Brittani and Ashlie until I was seven. Because I was used to the abuse, I molested my sister because I thought that was how I showed her love. Then from my sisters to different girls same age as me experimenting with them sexually. I had different relations with females until I was about 9 years old. I went my whole life only knowing 3 of my 11 siblings once we separated until I was 19 years old.

The last Foster Home I was in was with a great church going woman named Mrs. Lucy Buckner. She showed me the way. I remember being open with her telling her I was gay. I told her how I watched my mother perform sex acts and I tried it on my sisters not knowing this isn't how life goes. She didn't judge me or beat me. She prayed for me.

I saw my first and last sex demon at 11 as I struggled with my sexuality so early. I was almost possessed. The devil had been busy in my life and when you’re used to bad and something goes great the devil gets angry and I witnessed it first-hand. I remember waking up out of my sleep as the wind was warping around my bed area. I looked up and saw a black dark fast moving shadow. The fan was going in the ceiling and I touched it because I just thought I was crazy. I just knew I wasn't seeing what I was seeing. I closed my eyes and said a little prayer my grandma always taught me and when I woke up the horrible demon was gone, and I was then a delivered lesbian. I love Jesus but I learned a lot from Satan. That’s when I then knew I was covered.

Being sexually active at such a young age wasn't so great for me. I slept with random guys all the time trying to fill in a void from me not being able to have parents, that real 1st Corinthians love and guidance. A lot of the guys I've encountered I didn't like mentally or emotionally & still don't. It was easy for me to have sex. It was hard for me not to choose because I loved the attention the guy "who I thought loved me" showed me.

I became pregnant in late 2008, and I was sure my life was over. I didn't have parents so how will I parent someone else, first of all. Although his father was supportive during my pregnancy we were struggling, homeless, and staying house to house. I finally got up and got a job and we had our first home together in September, just in time for our sons arrival in October that year. Although his father was active, we were both struggling with our first real life responsibility. My thing was that love thing again. I didn't know what love was until the day I looked my son in his eyes the first time. His father was a spoiled college athlete and he struggled with having to take care of someone as well. I was insecure, I was worried he'd leave or cheat, we would fight and make up and do it all over until it got old and he left and moved in with his parents.

Now I'm just like my mother? A Kid, & alone. That haunted me. Why couldn't I keep my family together? What was it? Instead of taking my time to heal, I said "Ima get me another man. What you won’t do another man will" AND I SET MYSELF UP!

I got into this relationship with a handsome guy, great job and a nice car. He moved me from Akron to Cleveland to get on my feet financially after my sons father and I split. It just seemed all to perfect, and it was...He was possessive, always questioned me about my relationship with my son’s father. If I ignored him he'd take away things he'd bought me. He always bought me things to hush me up. I would break up with him, and then wake up with him in my house. One day he got so mad and beat me up in front of my cousin and child. I told him I was pregnant and he really thought he was in control. He told me he'd take the baby; he'd make up all these lies so he'd have custody of the baby. I got so mad and cursed him out he blacked out on me. I was so scared I left my house to get help and we fought outside. I went to jail, and then later decided to terminate my pregnancy because I felt like he purposely tried to hit me in my stomach to make me have a miscarriage. He was so hateful. I was so low. I let somebody make me sacrifice my child because I knew it would be safer in heaven than in this horrible situation. That's a decision I pray nobody will never have to make. I was so numb. Just NUMB. I just didn't care about me, nobody or anything. I went back to having sex again, drinking and smoking uncontrollably this time and gave myself a reality check, realizing I am bitter. I'm becoming my mother. I wanted that baby. I never wanted to abort anything. I wanted a family. Why can’t I keep my family together? But it’s so glorious how God works.

August 19, 2014, I decided I will take custody of my 15 year old sister Alexys. She was my last sibling in the system and I just wanted to do better for her than what she was used to. My grandmother asked me to take care of her and I really didn't want to at first but then Alexys and I had the heart to heart of my life, I promised I’d take care of her. Plus I passed my background check. I promised my son Arthur and Alexys that I will be everything they need me to be. A nurse, a friend, and rider, anything they need I will do. I started losing friends, but falling deeply in love with my career as a Natural Hair Artist at Hair Groupie Studios in S. Euclid.

My clients were like my own little flowers, they all planted beautiful seeds in my mind for me to start growing. I worked as The Under GROUND QUEEN of kitchen hair styling for five years and got licensed finally in May 2014. The Hair industry has truly blessed me. My clients motivated me. They are the ones who said "You need to talk, inspire somebody" "You’re talented, God favors you.” I’ve always been standoffish to things that make me emotional, but I leaped. I want to motivate and inspire. I would tell myself. "Self! You are not a creep, this is who you are. This story is why you are the woman you are today. You can’t be ashamed of where you came from because you didn't choose that life. You could've been dead so many times but you’re sane and beautiful. A Smart and talented SURVIVOR! SELF, You made it SELF. It didn't break you!"

My son and sister are both academically advanced. My sister is an all year honor roll student and basketball starter at Brush High School. My son is doing great in his first year of school and a starter football player for Akron West Travelers little league football team. My siblings and I all are now all in contact. I talk to most of them weekly. Grateful for that, I’ve got a family y'all!

I am now a Master Natural Hair Artist at Hair Groupie Studios, studying Managing Cosmetology and preparing for my Instructors Licensure. I am the creator of #BookSomethingYo LLC. My hair company name started as a gesture to get clients to come to me and it’s now found on Google, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

One thing I learned is no matter how horrible life has been to you, you can overcome all the obstacles. I am a survivor. I am a hustler, not just monetary either. I hustled to make sure my mind is sane, my body, & my spirit. As well as everyone who is around me or meets me. And in the end of all things, I choose love. God is L<3VE. Love is beautiful and I am Bella! -MUCH LOVE

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