I Survived Abuse (Renee's Story)

My name is Renee. I am 21 years old and married with two children. I got married when I was 18 years old and since then I've devoted most of my time to God, my family, and school. I never devoted any time to myself because I didn't care enough about myself. I've never completely opened up to anyone, not God, myself, my husband, anyone. It wasn't until recently that I had a conversation with my sister that I realized I have never healed from my past. I just buried it and never confronted it(until about a week ago). So you could imagine that sharing my story is one of the hardest things that I've ever done. A while ago I shared with my husband that I was physically abused between 10 and 12 and sexually molested, the first time when I was 5 or 6 years old. And also, once more when I was about 8 or 9. However, it wasn't until about a week ago that I told him about the other numerous occasions by different people. I was afraid he'd reject me, afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. I was afraid that he'd think it was me because at one point I thought it was me. I could never understood why these different people would always choose ME, or why God would let it happen to me over and over. What was I doing to deserve it? I told a couple of times but when people stopped caring, so did I. They'd say "It's a family matter, no one needs to know" or just simply not ever speak of it again and move on leaving me so damaged. The things that have happened to me has made me feel worthless, disgusting, and unloved. It has caused issues in my marriage, anger in my heart, and even made it hard for me to love myself. In this past week, I don't know how many times I've cried just because I finally talked about what has happened out loud. I felt relieved when I first told my husband and then I started feeling horrible because every feeling that I've held inside from my past, that I "acted" like was gone surfaced. I never called myself a victim of abuse before because I was in a state of denial that it ever even happened. I tried to block it out because I didn't want to face it. But facing it has grown my marriage so much already just in this little time. It has shown me that I have to love myself no matter how people feel about me or what they do to me. After visiting this site for the first time today, I don't feel so alone. I feel like someone else understands and if they can make it, I can too. My husband told me that it is all a part of my process, so that I could help someone else. That is why I am sharing. Reading a story on this site helped me and I want to help someone else. This past week I didn't believe it, but today I know that I AM BELLA.