Mr. Right Now

Staring into the face of this monster I helped create wondering why I read my mental notes so late. His personality and mine was toxic from the start, but I pushed all logic to the side. I'm not serious about him anyway I'll just enjoy the ride and let him buy me nice things shoes and bags you know what I mean? I was blinded by mr. Right now failed to realize he'd become mr forever. forever be the one to smack my face and spit on me like I was a disgrace, the one who called me a B so much Woulda thought it was my first name, then apologize and hug me but things stayed the same. Forever be the one I took back over and over and wondered and why he treated me this way, didn't know I was creating a monster every time I stayed. He'd say Baby give me one more chance I let what I thought was love make me do this hell bound dance. But he said he loved me and would never hit me again, but then he had some liquor and again became my best friend. He's gonna change I just have to show him how, it took me years to figure out you can't change a a mr now. I handed him the gun and he gladly pulled the trigger that killed my self esteem so mr right now became mr forever who single handedly shattered my dreams. Dreams of true love and being treated like a queen because I let my name being tatted symbolize a ring. Letters on his forearm that didn't mean a thing. But wait hold on he loves me though . What's loved got to do with it when his hands clenched my throat. I'm tired! But not tired enough to leave instead I fought back trying to prove I'm not weak but he'd already won by stealing my inner peace. I wanted mr right now so I got a right now lesson. The first time time I felt disrespected was my que to hit the exit but instead Ignored the signs and ended up neglected, I let this mr right now leave permanent pain staring at this flower that covers up his name , see wanting something right now it's never meant to last hopped on to enjoy the ride and got me nowhere fast. And I guess k. Michele got it right " you can't raise a man" at least not without losing yourself . While I'm trying to mold him I slowly died to ashamed to tell the truth so I'm hiding behind lies. Keeping the cycle going of this generational curse because my mom was me she endured it first, I watched my father slap her to the ground and I swore that wouldn't be me But my reflection is the only one in the mirror I see. I allowed myself to slip into a depression trying to be his perfection. how this became my story only god knows how but I declare abuse stops now! My young ladies know your worth! You were made by king God valued you first. I stand up proudly with forgiveness in my heart I don't look like what I've been through THIS is my start! I am fearfully and wonderfully made singing his life saved my life ...by the grace of God I'm saved!