The hand to the face goes “SLAP” and the fist to the eye causes a broken cheek bone. The word b**** is now my name. The face that I was born with is now disfigured forever. Love is far from my dictionary and God, I prefer to control my relationship. A prayer that was answered but who knew that would be a prayer I wish I could take back and that control (I wanted) turned into my burden, which God eventually rescued me from.
Growing up, a man hitting a woman was the norm in my household. Always paranoid, afraid of the dark, yelling and aggression followed me throughout all my teenage years. Though living in an abusive household, never did I believe my parents did not LOVE me, but their actions would cause me to seek for love in ALL the wrong places, including losing my virginity at the age of 12 years old. Watching movies, listening to sexual songs, a young mind believes the only way to give love is to share it through physically communication. Again, God was there but I was not listening!
Since my parents had their own issues, it was nothing they could do for me. They could not make me happy about how I looked, because in the mirror I saw this 200lb girl (never that weight). No confidence, no esteem, no boldness, no nothing. I was drained and was ready to take the pain away. In high school, subconsciously I became anorexic, stop eating all together. My skin became very pale and my hair began to fall out drastically. Life was getting to me strong and I had no one to go too, because in my world no one understood what I was going through. The only person or people I could rely on, was men.
Men was my target and I needed someone to love me and share it the only way I knew how to. Though I had only a few serious relationships, I attracted what was familiar to me, an abuser. In middle school and college, I was threaten with a gun, spat on, pushed, bones broken, to name a few. Age is just a number, because as I got older, I accepted whatever was dished out to me because I truly believed I was not worth it or pretty enough. I eventually buried my hurt and pain in my jobs and when I was in college, I stayed in my room and even almost lost friendships because I was hiding my abuse. I would literally count down the days to graduation because that would be my escape from him.
The “WARNING SIGNS”, the saying is, “when a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them”. Because the lack of love I had for myself, I would use God as a crutch to give me what I wanted. Praying for a relationship I knew was bad but I had to be with someone, because everyone else was. I needed to look like everyone else; that’s what society said. It’s funny when someone asks why don’t I have kids at this age, but don’t ask if the person I was dating is treating me well.
Lack of esteem and not loving who I was, allowed me to accept what the world had for me. Searching for something that was given to me since I was born, Love. I can no longer give anyone power over my life or cause harm to me. I am truly thankful for God showing me how I treated Him through those around me. He gave me another chance to get me right and to Love me through Him. Scripture says; 22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24 (NIV)
Who am I after this world wind that I call my life? A Survivor, Confidence, Boldness, Love, Loyalty and now I can tell myself, I AM BELLA!